I don't even fucking know where to begin.

It takes up a lot of brainspace to be in such pain all the time, you know? I would really like to not be in pain.

Sorry for typos, I'm crying a bit and so basically posting blind.

Went to the grocery store. Asked about my lortab/hydrocodone refill. The lady smiled at me and said nope, no more until December 11th.

Keep in mind that tylenol, advil, whatever - they don't even touch this pain. It's in a bad flare-up and I just want it to be gone. It's been nearly a year. I have been dealing with this shit since January. I have a lot of things that it isn't but nothing that it is. So, basically, I get to be in pain and not sleep.

Or I could call the doctor and beg them for a different rx so the pharmacy would fill it. But that was supposed to last me a month. It lasted me more like half a month. My best friend mentioned to me that she worries I'll get addicted to the stuff - since it IS an opioid and that's pretty valid.

But what the fuck am I supposed to do!?

It's either be in massive pain or be stuck taking lortab. I hate it. I hate that I have to take it. I hate that EVERY SINGLE TIME I take it it seems like a personal failing. Better people than me have been able to survive worse shit so I should be able to suck it up but I just can't. And what if I really AM addicted to it and I just don't realize it? I don't know, I don't even know myself right now.

Please, God, please let them find something so obvious on the CT today that they'll look at it and go 'oh there's your problem'. I don't mind chemo or surgery. I just want this to be gone and over.

And I don't want to upset anyone in my house and it's very difficult to cry quietly and I always look so fucking ugly when I cry.